This blog was originally meant to be for a story that I had brewing in my mind for months, but as I lay here listening to soundtrack music midway through packing for my four-month trip to Japan, I find myself thinking, “To hell with the story, you were probably never going to write it anyway.” That’s my problem; I get tons of ideas for stories and then never sit down to formulate them. So I figure this blog will be revamped into a journal of sorts to catalog my adventures in 2015.
In that way, you could call this a written answer to an ill-conceived New Year’s Resolution. You know, “I will write at least a little bit every day of the New Year,” or what have you. Further, you could call this a futile attempt at bettering myself like so many previous ill-conceived New Year’s Resolutions. And yet, I’m filled with a (perhaps also ill-conceived) confidence, because 2014 was a year in which I stuck to many of my resolutions. Not New Year’s ones, mind you, but ones that sprung from my first trip to Japan back in May
Takin’ Gus Fring to Japan with me.
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There’s no denying that trip changed my life for the better. It confirmed for me that studying Japanese was and continues to be the right decision for me, and that my dream to one day teach English there isn’t just a fool’s hope. Japan is where I want to be, and through my own efforts I was able to get there. I wrote the research grant, got the money, flew 13 hours with a bunch of Canadians and spent a month travelling alone in a new place. If 15 year old Dan could have seen 21 year old Dan for that month, things would have seemed a hell of a lot brighter for him. I achieved my dream, and in less than six hours, I’ll be going back to Japan to further explore that dream. I’m nervous, I’m scared, and goddammit, I’m excited.
Why so excited? My trip to Japan has absolutely shaped my life in the past six months. I’ve completely changed my diet and established an entirely new lifestyle for myself. I’ve lost 50 pounds and can wear medium-sized shirts for the first time in my life. Problems stemming from my anxiety or depression that would have taken my younger self weeks to change or tackle now take days or even hours, and I have maintained my great friendships such that they are stronger than they have ever been. I am a new man because of my trip to Japan. I am a new man, and what’s more important, I am becoming the man I have always hoped I would become.
Mom and Dad seein’ me off.
So if I can continue with weight loss, come to terms with my mental issues, and lead a fulfilling social life, I feel that I can keep a promise to myself about writing in a blog every day. This was all a bit of a wordy preamble, but it is 1:30 in the morning and I am currently a pretty intense cocktail of emotion. In times like these, I feel like writing, and so I think I’ll continue to do just that.
I mentioned in one of the previous paragraphs that 15 year old Dan would be absolutely shocked and terrified at the thought of leaving the country for four months. I mean there would certainly be a twinge of jealousy, because even 15 year old Dan knew he someday wanted to go to Japan, but in the state he was in he was lucky if he went to school in the morning. I was so chained to my anxiety and depression back then that I could hardly conceive of moving forward in any meaningful direction. It was too frightening to think ahead, because I assumed that everything that could possibly go wrong would due to the great cosmic scales being tipped in the other guy’s favor. I didn’t even know who the other guy was, but I knew he was doin’ better than I was. And I assumed he was, if not fit, certainly able to leave the house without a hooded sweatshirt and still feel comfortable. The times, they have a-changed.
Something to know about me, I put a great deal of stock in quotes from video games, movies, books, etc. In fact in the past few years, I’ve sort of made it my business to construct an entire philosophy from different quotes. One such quote that comes to mind tonight as I’m thinking of how 15 year old Dan would have reacted to this trip is one from the most recent Kingdom Hearts game, “Dream Drop Distance.” It’s kitschy, maybe even lame, but I’ll be damned if quotes like these don’t shape my attitude and make me feel like anything is possible in my own life:
“The trees of the forest, and the petals on the wind. There are hearts around us everywhere we look, and it does not take super human powers to see them. Surely, we remember as children the way our hearts made everything seem so shiny and perfect. Sora has a heart like that: uncorrupted. Willing to see the good before the bad.”
This trip excites me, and it scares me. It feels like a huge step into the reality I hope to see for myself, and while the voice of 15 year old Dan still rattles around my head from time to time, I’m determined to see the good before the bad.
First post, little bit rocky. Let’s hope I can be more coherent for the next one. G’night, and see you tomorrow.
POST-SCRIPT: Gonna add a picture everyday to document not only the trip, but continued weight loss. Indulge me, if’n you would. Also, let’s get whatever song I’m listenin’ to up there as well.
Dan in Japan 